Mustard or Mayo?

About 15 years ago, I made a new friend. In the early days of this friendship, we were having corn dogs in my kitchen. I always eat mayonnaise with my corn dogs. I hesitated as I plopped the tablespoon of mayo on my plate because it’s a rather unusual thing to dip your dog in. As I sat, Crystal asked, “How cool is it that we both eat mayo on our corndogs?” I told her I love mayo and could eat it with just about anything, to which she exclaimed, “I knew you were a mayo!”

A what?

Crystal goes on to explain that when she meets new people, she can often spot-on guess if they are a “mustard” or a “mayo.” As we talk about it more, I totally saw where she was coming from! These condiments are SO different, and why wouldn’t the mouths that consume them be different too?

Think about it. Do you prefer the tanginess of the yellow condiment, or the rich and creamy indulgence of mayonnaise? Over the last two years, I have become increasingly aware of the similar qualities that mustard people share, and I have also realized that mayo people are quite opposite. It is fascinating to me how often our assessments are correct, and it’s always based on basic personality traits that are clear from within about an hour of talking with someone.

Mayo is a food high in fat, calories, flavor and richness. It is a creamy indulgence that serves no nutritional value whatsoever. It is a superfluous food that one could easily live without, EXCEPT if you’re a mayo. If you have a turkey sandwich, it is not the same without mayonnaise. Tuna salad is NEVER made with Miracle Whip: it’s mayo or nothing. And if you ever have southern potato salad, it is not complete without a jar of Hellman's saturating the potatoes and dill. 

The mayo is a person that loves a good time. Thoughtful and reflective, and can waste an entire afternoon reading a book, though to a mayo, it is not a waste of time. Mayos can be too relaxed, sometimes to a fault as evidenced by their messy cars and disorganized book shelves, dirty closets and sometimes dusty furniture. 

They won’t sweat the small stuff and will always look at the bigger picture. While mayos will worry about how the bills are going to get paid, by no means will they obsess over this, realizing that somehow, as it goes every month, things will work out.

Mayos are more outgoing in a crowd, will dance without hesitation, and frequent local bars and pubs for the social aspect of things. You may spot a mayo by what radio station she listens to: she’ll listen to the mixed stations that play hits from the “80s, 90s and today,” the top 40, rap or just about anything that gets her foot tapping OR relates to her soul. Mayos are extremely self-aware, and they love to talk about what’s going on in their lives with their closest friends. Mayos talk a lot.

Mustards are a whole different lot. The flavor of mustard is tangy, and while it does have spicy variations, it is never creamy or considered rich in texture, though it does throw a bang for flavor. It is low in calories, so it is a sensible condiment, just as its consumers. Mustard people tend to be a little more organized. They detest clutter, may keep their closets color-coded and they don’t like it when one food touches the other. Mustards tend to be a little more rigid, need to have their time better organized and generally have a reason for everything they do.

Mustards will sometimes frequent  the same bars and pubs as mayos, but they will stand and observe more than they'll participate in the dancing and flirting the mayos partake. Their preferred evening of fun includes dinner and maybe a movie, often something low-key and quiet. But fear not – mustards are by no means boring: mustards will often surprise you and let all of their reservations fall when baking cookies in the bedroom. I've slept with some hot mustards! 

While this is not an exact science by any stretch, you will be surprised as you’re talking with and meeting new people how often our theoretical categories are correct. It could easily translate into right brained/left brained people, but we find it so boring to use “right” or “left” to describe a person. Mustard and mayonnaise have become a common question in our dating questionnaires (see The Dater’s Survey Can I Tolerate You? ). (Yes, that’s a shameless plug for my blog.) 

So eat up and enjoy, fellow peoples. And let us know how our theory shapes up in your world.