Online Dating Still Sucks...15 Years Later

Whoever thought that developing long-lasting and fulfilling relationships through the wonders and convenience of our cell phones, clearly never did it. I do realize there are success stories out there, but since online dating has only been in existence since we stumbled into the 21st century, we have no real data on the divorce rate of said matches.

Y'all know I have been dating for 15 years?

What. Tha. Eff-ay? 

I can't say it's been a lot of fun. Fun*NY* maybe, but in a sad, "I watched my Aunt Velma fall down drunk" kind of funny. You really shouldn't laugh, but you kinda can't help it.

I've met a ton of people and learned a lot about myself - what I like, definitely what I don't like, and how much shit I actually put up with. As I said in a related blog at the beginning of this adult-dating chapter of mine 12 years ago {big breath}: IT. IS. TOUGH.  

And dating apps? A joke.

Bumble, Happn, Hinge, The League, Tinder, Zoosk, OkCupid, Clover, Coffee Meets Bagel, Plenty of Fish, Farmers Only,  (a.k.a. POF a.k.a. POS)...I bet it gets harder and harder each year for app developers to come up with clever names for dating apps, but I guess if an ice cream company can get away with using "Magnum" for an ice cream bar, the sky is the limit.

What I've come to know about dating apps is this:

1. You will see the same people on ALL the apps. Most of the time they use the same name.
2. Men like hunting, fishing, traveling and hiking. Hiking in Houston has always puzzled me.

   

   I feel your pain, Troy

3. Top-of-mountain or world landmark selfies are a thing. 
   
4. Women always want to know how tall the man is, and men always complete this answer with, "...in heels" or "so ladies wear your heels" or "because apparently this is important." Every. Time.
5. There are almost as many gym selfies in all the dating apps combined as there are offensive things said or done by Trump.
6. You will undoubtedly find out why the person is still single by the end of your first drink on your first date...or sometimes even before. 
   
7. Not all men should advertise their penises via dick pics - solicited or otherwise.
8. If your match starts asking about sex within the first 5 minutes of the text conversation, then he wants only one thing. 
9. Women are guilty of this too.
10. "Any questions? Ask me!" will always render a left-swipe.
11. I can be so shallow as to swipe right based on appearance alone...and so can all other single people.
12. Polyamorous and open relationships are the new "dinner and a movie." 
    
13. Dating apps are a colossal waste of time. 
    

The decent relationships I've had since I've been single have all been with men met through friends, work, or that I initially met in person. Body language, voice tone and someone's overall presence is underrated, and can't be represented at all in the virtual world. 

Even though I'm still playing Candy Crush and Hay Day, the novelty of swiping in these dating apps has worn off. It's time to get out of my comfort zone and go meet people face to face, balls out, and create real experiences - that don't include dead animals, fishing poles and mountain-top selfies.