Nut Face

Long post but worth the read (I hope). Real. Funny. Probably. 

I had sex with a friend of mine last night. I say friend bc he’s emotionally stupid and “damaged” and incapable of committing, and I see no future for us. I keep him around bc we always have a really good time together (dinner, alcohol, cbd, sex, repeat). We talk non-stop via text: he’s my go-to when I need advise, have something funny to share, or I just wanna talk. I am that for him too, tho I suspect I’m not the only one. 

Background: I’m a depression life-timer. I’ve been medicated and counseled for depression for the better part of my adult life. A few months ago, I started seeing the same therapist that I saw in early 2000s, bc he’s the ONLY one that gets through to me. 

Bryan and I have been hammering away at self-worth bc I have very little, to be honest. I find it easier to self-talk negatively: it just comes more naturally bc of past trauma. But with the help of Bryan-the-counselor, books by Jen Sincero and Jen Mann, and a ton of forced and painful self-reflection, I’m getting there.

So on the way to meet him last night, I listened Jen Sincero reading You Are a Badass to me. This created a super frame of mind going into this night of debauchery…seriously. And I was in a great mind frame: super positive, confident, and ready to have an amazing evening!

Fast forward to bedroom playtime.

Do you close your eyes when you have sex? Do you open them to watch your partner’s response to what’s happening? I do both. Through years of having sex with this man, I’ve noticed that when I look at his eyes, he is often watching what his hands, fingers, etc are doing to me. But when he inevitably notices me looking, he does the SAME thing every time: I call it his nut face. As soon as he spies me watching him, he closes his eyes right after they roll into the back of his head, and he squinches up his face like he’s in pain. Then bites his bottom lip. His eyes open briefly to see if I’m watching. Once his lip pops back out from between his teeth, his face unsquinches and he closes his eyes again. 

Every. 

Single. 

Time.

Last night I laughed at him when he did this.

I had my eyes closed, enjoying the sensations, and then my chemically altered thoughts started going down the rabbit hole. “If I open my eyes right now, he’s gonna make the nut face,” I predicted to myself. So when I opened my eyes and he glanced at my face, sure enough, he bit his lip and rolled his eyes back into the back of his head. I literally laughed out loud. We were buzzing and a little high, and I don’t even think he noticed, but I definitely chortled.

During all of his face making and my pointing and laughing, I realized… I’m so much better at sex than he is. Like, I know sometimes women tell men they’re good in the sack, but I have been with men that are far better at it than me. I know this. But with this guy my skills are superior, and as I’m having sex with him and realizing I’m better at it than him, I start laughing again.

“I am such a bitch!” I thought to myself. But then Bryan’s words popped in my head: You are worth it. You are worthy. You are so valuable. This is my mantra to eliminate the negative talk and it’s beginning to work in other parts of my life. I NEVER thought it would pop up during sex. I don’t think I’ll share with my shrink that he was in my thoughts during intercourse, but this was little bit of another breakthrough, right?!

Anyway, the point is that we as women need to remember that we aren’t being a bitch or lessening anyone else’s value by realizing that we are empowered, or emotionally stronger, or better at grilling, or better at sex than someone else. I man I may have lessened his value in my own mind, as I was laughing at him, but he doesn’t know that lol. We need to own our truths, especially our positive truths. #Selfworth not self-shame. Do not deny the world its one and only chance to bask in your brilliance. We are all perfect in our own fcked up ways.